With All my Heart
by Clare bear 48
Summary: She is his last chance. Can she save him and guide him to love again.
1. Chapter 1

With All My Heart

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

A/N I commenced this story in March. I never dreamt that there would be this sadness in the world this week. Robin Williams being in so much pain, and the outcome is really sad.

Arthur Mendelson:-

See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!

Sitting at the dark wood desk in her consulting rooms Doctor Michaela Quinn waited for a knock on her door. She was waiting and listening to the clock on the pale blue wall as seconds ticked by. This was her usual routine in this hour. Why did she expect it to be any different this time?

She did hope that one day there would be a break through, wondering when. She would ask the reception to reschedule the appointment. The pile of clients was growing and now she wondered if she should be wasting her time waiting for this particular ex serviceman to come. Her supervisor had told her to forget him and move on.

His file lay open on her desk, she knew the printed words off by heart. That he carried a lot of scars even before he had enlisted. His service record read like some imaginary battle game that Matthew and Brian played, the sound track driving her crazy.

Getting up from the desk she wondered if he would ever show himself in the office. Looking out the window she was surprised to see that it had begun to rain. Her eyes settled on one drop trundling down the pane. As it collided with others and got bigger it moved faster, finally dissolving onto a puddle on the window ledge.

Then she made a decision: if he didn't come to her she would go to him.

It was unethical but Michaela, was convinced it was necessary. She would hand deliver his next appointment, and then see what happened.

Driving out of town she was surprised when she arrived at the gate. In the distance she saw a beautiful double story log house. Getting out of her car she shifted the two logs that acted as a blockade, mentally thinking to herself it was the first barrier before driving through and alighting and replacing them. The code of farming was that if a gate is shut leave it shut.

Sitting in the car looking at the home in front of her she was aware that her stomach was beginning to churn and her heartbeat escalated. Suddenly she was thinking this was a really bad idea and she should retreat. It was obvious that this man didn't want any help.

Unexpectedly words like loner, hero, widower, no family paraded past her thoughts. Gritting her teeth she put her foot on the accelerator, and the car moved forward towards the house.

Stopping in front of the steps leading up to the porch Michaela looked towards the door. Nobody had come to see who the visitor was. Scanning the yard she thought the place could have been abandoned. The door to the barn was hanging on one hinge. The shutters on one window were shut tight, dirt on the porch looked like it had been there for months. There had once been a garden but it was dry and dead. Some tumble weeds lay on the drive, another was hard up against the barn.

It was as if the entire place had ceased to breathe, there appeared to be no life wherever she looked.

Taking a long breath she had to remind herself why she was there. It was to check on a man that had been red flagged at needing help on his discharge papers. His file had been handed to her for two reasons. She lived in the area and she was renowned for her good work in this field.

Deciding to leave the file in the car and only taking a business card with a date and time for another appointment on it she alighted from her car. Looking at the house she commenced walking up the steps. Suddenly in front of her she saw a door of wood; the large oval fine cut glass feature in it appeared out of place in all the other harshness and neglect. Someone had loved this home she thought, seeing the superb exterior of the house up close.

Standing close to the door she took a shuddering breath and knocked on the timbers.

There was a resounding silence in reply. Undeterred she knocked a bit louder. If she had been able to see into the dim room on the other side, she would have seen a dishevelled head move from the arm of the wing backed chair pulled near the fire place where ash testified to a fire having burnt there some time ago.

Haunted blue eyes blinked out of a hairy face. There was no evidence that the person had shaved nor bothered about his hair in some months. Disbelief was on his face: nobody came knocking on his door. They had all given up hope, friends from his unit were away overseas. The groceries he ordered where left at the door when he bothered to ring the grocery store. He put the money in a jar there to pay for them.

His face fell; he had no family so there really was nobody he would expect to come by.

Hearing a louder knock he was tempted to tell it to go away. Sitting quietly he thought if he ignored it, the person would eventually leave.

Michaela decided one more attempt to get a reply and she would then have to give up. She knocked even louder and stepped back and waited.

The man exhaling a huff, it seemed obvious that the person was not about to give up. He rose from the chair and wandered aimlessly to the door, what possessed him to do so he had no idea. Opening the door a crack he looked out to see who the intruder was.

Michaela smiled at the small gap in the door with an eye looking at her in surprise.

"What ya want?" a raspy voice asked. He had not used his voice for such a long time it surprised him.

"Mr Sully? My name is Michaela Quinn. I have an appointment card here for your next appointment."

"No thanks,"Sully replied as he tried to closing the door.

...This is a completed story I will post once a week. I hope you like it as it is a necessity we look out for our friends and those who serve their countries.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sully hesitated before repeating, "Don' need no help from a lady doctor."He didn't know she was actually a doctor but felt that would be the only reason someone would travel out here to see him, handing him a card for a contact.

He knew the state of the place and wondered if she would return to her office and have him taken to some rehabilitation centre. Somewhere where they would try and understand his emotions. Those he could not sort out for himself. Then medicate him till he acted and lived like someone from an alien world.

This made Michaela rise up looking at the crack in the door holding out the card she replied, "Of all men in uniform I thought you might understand what it was like to be judged unfairly."

With that she slid the card through the crack in the door. She had read the file and knew that men like Mr Sully rarely kept any friends.

"Mr Sully, I have done my share of duty too, I am not immune to understanding your position." Turning on her heel she moved to her car. As she looked back she saw the door was now closed, and she hoped her card was inside the home and not amongst the dirt on the porch.

Sully had shut the door; he was uninterested in any help. He wanted to be left alone to wallow in his deep misery. He had no idea why he went and pulled the curtain a little to watch the woman leave. She was slim and petite, but her most striking feature was the fall of her long copper hair that swayed as she walked back to her car. He had a desire to touch it and see if it was as soft as he imagined.

Groaning to himself at his foolishness he resumed curling up in the wing backed chair and threw the white business card he gripped in his hand on the table that stood between the two chairs.

Anger rose inside of his chest, "Why did she have to come," he moaned to himself. He was quite happy being isolated from humanity.

Michaela drove to the gate closing it after she drove through. This house was located in a pretty part of Colorado Springs, and she decided to spend a few minutes looking around.

She guessed, that the land surrounding the property hadn't had neighbours for a very long time. Red Canyon Place was not all that far from Red Rock Canyon open space at Sand Stone Park. She had heard of the great hiking and bike trails there. That is where she decided to take a look, but once there she was confronted with new housing, a sign advertising Red Rock Canyon Estate.

"_Oh no, not here, too,"_ was her immediate reaction. There was so much land being converted into urban housing it was a wonder anyone could still breathe. Sadly, the land that had been there for decades was now being gobbled up with development.

She climbed a small hill and surveyed the scene in front of her; the panorama was vivid and alive with plants. Turning she could just make out where Mr Sully's home would be, so close to nature, like living in a wilderness with nothing around for miles. She questioned if he had intended it to always be this way. Looking towards another estate that would soon be on his door step she feared it would be just another hurdle for him to jump.

Finally she returned to her car. She had to be home before the children arrived from school. Smiling she wondered what Brian had been up to during the day. He was a good child but could push hard on boundaries both at home and school. Matthew was soon going to complete his education and had decided to try doing a course in agriculture. He loved the outdoors and it was a gap year before college where he may be taking up a degree in law.

Colleen was becoming a hand full just discovering boys. Michaela shuddered remembering she had recently witnessed the falling out of her daughter and her best friend Becky over a boy named Richard they both liked.

Puzzled, the doctor shrugged her shoulders; she had never had such problems with boys at school as she was always studying. Her aim had been to become a doctor like her father whom she had adored. Her best friend had been Charlotte Cooper, a mature aged woman studying nursing. They had met on the first day at college. Both had joined the army to achieve their goal and they had immediately formed a very close friendship. Michaela had gone to board with them on the base as the college was in Philadelphia. Two years they had completed when the unthinkable happened: Charlotte was hit by a car and within days had died. Before hand she had made Michaela promise to look after her children.

It had been a struggle, but the base and army had supported her and her new fledgling family. This way she could complete her studies then specialize on trauma and its effect on returning service personal.

When all that had been achieved she had transferred to Colorado Springs, mainly to move from her heart ache. She had become engaged to a David Lewis whose aim in life had been to achieve the rank of Major in a couple of years.

The children did not like him and he had seen them as a hindrance to his ambition.

Before they had managed to sort out the problem he had applied for an overseas employment. Michaela was informed unceremoniously two nights before he was due to fly out. They had had an enormous argument where all his venom towards the children flowed out like bile from his mouth. Once he had started he found he could not stop.

Michaela, hurt and angry had called off the engagement, and while he was gone she and the children moved base.


	3. Chapter 3

WALY Ch 3

Sully awoke in a terrifying panic, the words strangled in his throat. "No, Mum!" His heart was racing and he was in a cold sweat, another feeling he knew well. He had been dreaming and reliving one of the most terrifying incidents he had ever experienced and had to learn to live with.

Taking large gulps of air, Sully tried settling the pumping of his heart in his chest. He could not believe that this dream had reared its ugly head again, bringing ghosts from the past to the foreground. Struggling to sit he realised the grey ashes piled in the hearth only had one glowing ember. The room was dark and cold, no light filtered in from the windows that were unshuttered.

Shaking with the after-effects of the nightmare he just sat and tried to control his emotions. Loneliness once again engulfed him. He was crying now; he just could not deal with this all again. His thoughts went back like a black and white picture film that was faded through the use of time. He felt like he was the only audience sitting in the musty theatre on faded red velvet seats. The light streaming onto the screen from the projector was picking up the particles of dust floating in the air.

...

Michaela sat reading the print on the first page of the file she had brought from her office to the Sully farm. She only had it just in case he had agreed to talk to her. She knew it was a long shot but had not regretted travelling into the next valley to see him. But then she was thinking, _"See him? If you call looking at a blood shot eye through a crack in a door seeing!"_

She had read and reread the file. There was so much sadness, and she wondered how anyone could ever survive it with carrying on life normally.

It read: _As a young child Byron Sully's family had immigrated to the United States after the family decided there would be a better future for the boys._ She knew his name Byron and thought his mother had been a romantic.

The father had applied for a job on the wharves as a stevedore. The experience drained him. He ended up getting very ill and finally passed away only eighteen months after arriving. The family then struggled; their mother taking in laundry to make ends meet and trying to get the boys educated. When William was killed riding his bike on the road witnessed by his younger brother, his mother had slid into a deep depression from which she never recovered. The final straw was when young Byron aged about ten saw his mother leave the house in her night dress when she thought he had gone to school. He had followed her to a bridge over the Hudson River and saw her climb onto a railing and witnessed her jump. By the time he got to the spot he had last seen her all there was to see was the continuing circles rippling out like when you threw a stone into a pond.

A policeman found the distraught boy crying on the path in the same position, his knees pulled up and his head resting there.

They trawled the river and found her body. After Byron had seen the third member of his family buried in the same plot of land he had been sent to an orphanage.

Michaela could not shake the idea that this could have been Brian although he was a couple of years younger. Take away the maybe thirty years and things would have been so tough on the young boy way back then.

Orphanages had been the equivalent of child slave labor back then. They were recovering from the Vietnam conflict, and depending on the place the boy or girl was put, there was also molestation of the children. She shuddered at all these unpleasant thoughts bombarding her mind.

...

Sully was shivering when he woke again. He now needed warmth and struggled to rise from his constricted position on the chair. All his muscles where cramped and numb from not moving.

He moved outside and collected wood to recommence the fire. He was not surprised to see it was dark maybe around midnight. He'd lost track of time a long time ago. Sleeping was a relief from the reality of life. Though the nightmares came and went in no particular order, just indiscriminate reruns of the tragedies in his life.

Eating wasn't a necessity but hearing a rumble in his stomach he decided that after the fire was lit he would see if there was anything to eat left from the last grocery run. He thought about making a large mug of coffee too. Looking at the near empty cupboards he realized he needed some more supplies.

He had neglected eating and all his clothes hung on him. He'd also not paid attention to changing or washing either himself or clothes for some time. Suddenly, he needed to take care of that and went up-stairs, avoiding a door that was jammed shut on his way to the bathroom.

Standing under the fiercely running water he thought it felt good, hoping the feelings and emotions of his self-loathing would disappear down the plug hole like the spinning water and soap bubbles that vanished in seconds.

An hour later, warmed and clean with something in his stomach and clasping a hot cup of coffee in front of the fire he did have to admit he felt a bit better, even maybe civilised.

...

Michaela was in the habit of showering before bed. She liked the smell of fresh flowers her soap left, climbing between the sheets and settling down to sleep was the best feeling for the entire day.

After reading the first history page of Mr. Sully's file again she had felt such pain for him. She had absently said goodnight to the children when they had retired to their rooms. They looked at her, knowing something was wrong as Doctor Mike only lost track of time when she was concerned with at patient.

Going into her room and brushing her hair she watched her reflection in the mirror. She tried to imagine first losing her beloved father, then Rebecca and finally her mother all by the age of ten. She was in her early thirties when her father had died, and she still felt the devastation of that sad event.

She made her mind up. She would help Mr. Sully or sink in the process.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

Once again Sully slept on the wing-backed chair and dreamt of his marriage to his childhood sweet-heart. Abigail Bray was beautiful, her brunette hair and brown eyes had captured him the moment they met in primary school.

"Hello," she had said, smiling at him. He was nervous and ashamed that people would hear about his past. He had been discovered as a runaway in Colorado Springs. He had run away all the way from New York. This girl was different she just came up and began talking to him. He had been truant from school for months until now, but she helped him overcome the gap it had made in his education.

They had been inseparable, but her father was never pleased for he saw no future with a long-haired git as he kept telling her. Abigail was in love and told Sully when they used to sit on the school lawn under their tree that they were going to be married. He was enchanted by her and would have flown to the moon if she had asked.

He lived with the feeling of a love that made you feel invincible.

He could just about feel her with him as his dream sped by the years until they finally married. His heart filled till he felt like it would burst out of his chest. She was so beautiful and he knew her by heart, they would be one from now on.

Within months she asked him to attend a doctor's appointment. She had done a pregnancy test and not disclosed the result. She wanted him with her for confirmation when she was told officially.

The doctor was very silent after he had done an examination. His facial features were never wavering as he wrote notes on the computer, making the couple extremely nervous. Finally he looked at them and extended his hand to Sully saying, "Congratulations, Mister and Missus Sully, your baby will be due in spring."

Nobody could wipe the smile off their faces as they walked into the sunshine. Sully finally picked his wife up, hugging her and kissing her soundly.

"Well, Abbey, let us celebrate," he said, taking her hand and entering the park over the road where he bought her the biggest sundae that the ice-cream van made.

Laughing Abbey protested, saying he had already made her fat and she would not need the extra pounds before devouring the whole lot.

The months flew by; he had never felt so happy, a dream was coming true as he would finally have his own family.

His new home was almost ready. The cabin had been a great beginning but Abbey deserved more, their family deserved more. The cabin was on a corner of the large farm. He had situated the new house nearer the mountains, his place of peace nature on the door step.

Then there was that fateful day. His heart was now pumping in his chest; it could not bring him out of the nightmare. His subconscious knew the outcome, but it was as if he had to wait till the end of the film even though he already knew what would happen. The screen was pitted, but not enough to feature the scenes one after the other in slow motion.

Scene one: his mobile was ringing; looking at the screen he saw it was Abbey. Answering it he could not understand what she was screaming into the phone. "Hang on, I'm coming." He jumped into the pickup and sped over the farm.

Scene two: sliding to a stop he leapt out of the truck and sprinted to the little cabin door. There was his beloved, sweat pouring from her brow and a large red patch was spreading from between her legs. Wrapping her he swept her up and sprinted to the pickup and as gently as he could he placed her on the seat. There were questions he needed to know, but time was precious. Was an ambulance coming? He would see it and stop if necessary. Was she having contractions? It was too early by a couple of weeks.

Scene three: he had been desperate by the time the hospital came into sight. He drove into the emergency bay and ran to his wife as the security man was yelling at him to move the truck, until he saw the condition of the woman the man carried. Then he assisted as best he could; a gurney was shoved to Sully but there was no way he was going to put her down till he saw a doctor ready to help.

Scene four: he was not allowed through to the operating room but told to sit and wait that everything was going to be done to save his wife and child. It took hours or that was how Sully felt. Finally a doctor arrived. One look at him told Sully he would not get good news. Abbey was gone; they had been unable to save her, the baby was critical in an incubator in the special neonatal nursery. Sully was taken to a darkened room to say goodbye to his lovely wife. Crying he asked what happened but there was no answer. The grief rose in his throat, choking him. Finally a nice nurse came and took him to his daughter. She was so small with tubes everywhere. She had on a nappy and a tiny pink beanie. Asking what that was for he was told babies lost heat from their heads. He held her hand while she struggled to live. Crying he pleaded with Hannah to live for her mother and father. She held onto his finger with a tiny transparent hand. Sully was puzzled when a nurse with an ink pad and paper took prints of his daughter's hands and feet. She said nothing and just sadly smiled.

Scene five: Within six hours Hannah went to her mother. Sully was so distraught he didn't have a clue what he was doing. He finally said goodbye to his tiny daughter, hugging her to his chest without all the tubes. The nurse handed him the card with Hannah's prints on it. Folding it carefully he put it in his wallet. It became his most precious possession.

Scene six: They were lowered into the earth, Hannah cradled in her mother's arms. Sully just stood by a tree watching. When everyone left he went and said his final good bye. He was alone again. Tragedy followed him, he was not meant to be happy!

Sully relived the nightmare in a fashion like watching an old cracked film rerun, something you wanted to watch knowing it would scare you half to death, only to wake and find he had been crying again.

...

After reading the final paragraph about the loss of his wife and child Michaela wondered why he had not gone completely insane. She was not aware that she was crying for this man, she just wiped tears off her cheek, her heart going out to him. She was more determined now than ever to help him as best as she could.

This only seemed like the beginning.

Thank you all for the generous posts and comments. It makes it all worthy while. XXXXX

O am posting a tad early today as I am off to Perth this morning till the weekend on Men's Health Recall.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Flipping over to the next page, Michaela could not get over there was more to Sully's story, his military service. As a councillor for The Department Returned Veterans it was her job to assist him recover and how she met him. She was handed his file and told many had tried to help him through the depression and PTSD, but nobody could. It was considered he would eventually just give up. She noted the others had all been males and she was determined to try something different, convinced the key must have been in the files somewhere.

She was continuing with the reading over and over again; this time she just had to find it.

Colleagues had waited for him to come to them and that had not worked as she had discovered.

He had immediately joined the army after his wife and child had died. At this point she knew he had given up any hope; this was a good way to end the pain. Death by armed fire, join up and get shot, nobody would think anything of one laying down one's life for their country.

He had been deployed to the current conflict of that time a real gorilla campaign. They were fighting a dirty war; Michaela had been there too for a short time and had, had to deal with so many broken men.

Sully had climbed to a commander of his men a rag taggle group. These consisted of men from different backgrounds and ethnic groups. Citations from his men showed he was well respected and loved. He was an able leader and his unit was consistent and coherent. Most men had received recommendations for valour and bravery.

One day, when Sully received an honour, he had led the men into an extremely violent battle. The fire fight lasted nearly the entire day with a number of casualties and a death. Sully had dragged his mates to safety but only heard what happened later, too busy saving others. This was his last battle he was withdrawn straight after and was evacuated to hospital after, with battle fatigue.

Michaela did not have the name of the dead soldier nor those he saved but decided all leads needed to be followed. She wrote the unit number down on a piece of paper and placed it in the file.

...

Returning home, Michaela received a big shock when she entered their small apartment. The older children were busy, Colleen doing her homework at the table. Matthew was laying on the large lounge, texting his girlfriend that he had managed to pass his Probationary car licence. Brian was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is Brian?" she asked, growing very suspicious when there was no real response from the older two, other than Matthew's lazy shrug of his shoulders.

The place was very still and quiet, another true give away that Brian was doing something he knew he wasn't allowed to do.

Michaela moved to Matthew and Brian's room. Their apartment was very small, therefore the boys had to share something neither liked much, but knew it was all they could afford at the moment.

She knocked softly and opened the door. Brian was seated on the floor, his back to his bed, one hand behind his back and the other gave a small wave. Michaela was wary now; she knew that glance her youngest was giving her. Immediately she knew something was going on and she had to steel herself not to over-react.

She had done that when she decided to leave the home he had grown up in, and as a result he had tried running away. Ever since she was always mindful to try and put herself in his place and stay calmer with him.

Suddenly there was a small whimper from behind the child, and Brian quickly looked at her, waiting for the reaction.

She moved in and sat beside him asking, "May I meet your friend?"

Worriedly looking at her, he gently brought out a small fluff ball onto his lap. Brian immediately tried explaining, "A kid brought it to school, it is the last of the litter of Malamutes and his father was going to take it to the Pound to be put down. He just wanted it to live. I want it to live."

Michaela understood that Brian needed to have a companion; the others where far too old for him. Sadly she had already been through this discussion with him, explaining that the apartment was already too small, plus their lease did not allow pets.

Still determined, Brian offered the puppy to her to nurse, thinking that that would change her mind. She accepted the bundle of fur as the pup snuggled into her lap, his wet nose resting on her arm.

Sadly she had to explain once again why they just could not keep a dog. Brian dejectedly listened as tears silently trickled down his cheek. He nodded when she said the dog needed room to roam and play.

"Isn't there anyone who could have him? Where I could visit?" Brian pleaded. "I don' want him to die."

Michaela immediately thought of one place where there was enough room. Brian saw the flicker in her eyes and pounced. "Can't we at least ask?"

Driving out as she had a few mornings before she repeatedly told herself that this was the most foolish idea she had ever thought of. Brian however had decided anything was much better than the alternative.

She climbed slowly onto the porch, Brian carrying the puppy beside her. Michaela had told Brian it was up to him to ask Mr. Sully if he would like the dog.

Knocking again for the second time she knew she may have to do it again so didn't step back, surprised when the door was opened as it had been in the morning.

"What do ya want now?" a gruff voice asked.

Brian was near his mother when she introduced her son. "Mr. Sully, this is my son Brian."

The boy stepped shyly forward, "Ummm, Mr. Sully."

"Just call me Sully," the man hidden by the door said.

Brian summoned all his courage. He had to do this to save the pup. "Sully, do ya want my pup?" he asked.

Eyeing the pup in the boy's arms Sully decided he did not want to take the pup.

"Nope." He said knowing that to have a dog meant looking out for it.

"Sorry we disturbed you," Michaela said turning around with Brian who was protesting.

"No! We can' take him to the pound. They will kill him." The boy's distressed voice flowed up to an unkempt Sully who stood at the now widely open door.

Softly Michaela placed her arm around Brian, knowing this was going to be really hard. "I am sorry Brian, we can't keep him."

"But!" Brian protested again trying to squirm free.

Sully had no idea why but he stepped onto the porch. "I'll take him."

There were two different reactions. Michaela looked at Sully fully for the first time, her eyes locking with the most amazing blue ones she had ever seen.

He was looking at her in much the same way.

Brian ran up the stairs and handed Sully the puppy, "Thanks, mister."

Michaela joined them, "This is very kind of you, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"I do," was his quick reply.

"Can I visit him sometimes?" Brian eagerly asked.

"Brian," his mother said in a tone of voice he knew well.

"Yeah, why not. Sometimes," Sully replied wanting to please them both.

"Thanks," he received from both as Brian run up to pat the pup once more, smiling at Sully. Michaela smiling in gratitude, they turned and returned to the car.

He stood with the puppy in his arms, watching as they walked to the car, the blonde boy turning around and waving shyly.


	6. Chapter 6

WAMH Ch 6

Sully sat on his usual place in front of the fire place, cuddling the small animal. He wondered what on earth had possessed him to take the dog. He had always wanted one; now he was responsible for this small animal to live.

Rising he went to the phone and called the grocery store and ordered some dog food and some extra for himself. At the other end of the phone a surprised shop assistant asked, "Will that be all, Mr. Sully?"

Sully did not hear the surprise in the voice and said, "Humm... no, and a bag of puppy biscuits for Wolf."

"A wolf?" the alarmed shop helper exclaimed.

Sully chuckled and smiled broadly the first time in a very long time, "Oh no, it's the name of the pup he looks like a wolf," he explained.

Relieved the shop assistant re-read the items on the list, gave Sully the amount and hung up. He looked at the phone in disbelief because that customer never ordered very many groceries.

Sully was woken by a wet lick on his face, which immediately put his whole body on high alert. Opening his eyes he was rewarded with another lick. He was relieved at seeing it was only the puppy he had adopted the afternoon before. Whimpering the small animal trotted to the door and waited patiently. When it eventually ran back to Sully and looked at him, suddenly the penny dropped: the dog needed to go outside in a hurry.

But it was too late; the puppy made a puddle. Sully placed paper over it and opened the door, and his little companion went out onto the porch. Sully watched as it tried getting down the steps on its own. Two it managed to do very well, then it was tumbling down to the ground on the final ones.

Sully remembered the night before when he looked back into the room.

He had commenced in his usual position on the chair, his legs stretched out in front on the coffee table. He had never gone up stairs to sleep, only to the bathroom since arriving home. The puppy had sat at his feet, wanting contact, and he had finally given in and placed a blanket on the floor and stretched out there. His furry companion had curled up near his chest, listening to his heart beat. Sully had heard that babies liked the sound of the regular thump, thump as it sounded like when they were in the womb. He had to admit that being stretched out and sleeping on the floor his body felt better in the morning.

Sleeping in the war zone, he had become accustomed to small spaces and cat naps. Since arriving home he felt as if he needed to catch up with all those lost hours. When asked if he was all right his response was always *yes* because he was afraid to tell others of the nightly nightmares, even admit them to himself.

Suddenly he realized that last night he had slept soundly the first time in a long, long time. He glanced at the pup seated patiently at the bottom of the steps, waiting to be helped up and he wondered, _"Could he be the reason?"_

After all, he had resigned himself to a life of loneliness when he arrived home. But now it had changed by a small boy, his mother and a pup he had named Wolf. There was no way he could go back to how he was yesterday. Suddenly he felt fear, as his breath quickened and his pulse began to race. He knew the signs, he was having a panic attack. Sitting in the worn cane chair, then moving to the steps he tried to regulate his breathing when he felt the wet tongue of the pup on his face and heard a whine.

He concentrated on the small brown concerned eyes looking at him. All of a sudden it was over.

"Thanks boy," Sully said, the puppy wagged it's tail and looked pleased licking Sully's face again. The smell of the small animal's breath told Sully it was not all that old.

...

Michaela was again studying the file she had become occupied with, wondering now whether it was only the case, or rather the man that attracted her since she had met him. The computer was now open in front of her.

She at first typed in Sully's name, service number, unit and up popped a file that was pages long. Her manila folder had his health records and snippets of information related to his physical state. The file on the computer was all service information. He was indeed a hero; he had put his life on the line on a number of occasions. The last skirmish had been by far the worst, the unit had been in an orchard and one of their own local members had turned on them, a betrayal that had occurred on many occasions. Sully had been forced to kill the man then try and save others from attack from the other enemy.

One of his own men had been pronounced dead, but they had still brought him home. He was a translator and he was recorded as being Cloud Dancing. Sully had saved many others, one being Robert E.

Michaela shivered as she could imagine the effect something like this had on Sully's psyche. He was there, wanting to be killed, but his men around him copped the bullets. Sully had his men's back and it was stated he was particularly close to these two. He never saw or heard of them again. He had been considered too traumatised, so he was discharged unfit for duty it said and was sent home. He was a hero, and then he just became a recluse. Other professionals had failed to assist him to recover. A life time of sadness was more than anyone could bear.

Finally she went looking at the others records. She looked and found to her amazement that Robert E actually lived quite close to Colorado Springs, in Manitou. Writing down the address and phone number she had it now on her *to do list*. If Sully did not know about Robert then that could help Sully's recovery.

Next she investigated other members of his unit on that fateful day. What they said and did. They all stated Sully drew fire and then went in, as he had said he was not leaving one man behind.

Finally there was only one soldier left to see what happened. What she discovered was so unexpected, she just read and re-read what was written on the screen. It was just too incomprehensible to understand.

...

Thank you all for the review. You all make my day even brighter.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Here on the screen was news so unexpected she could not believe her eyes. She would have to confirm the information before telling anyone.

The weekend was fast approaching and Brian was pestering her to go and see Sully and the puppy. Colleen and Matthew were not that interested in accompanying them. Finally Michaela put her foot down and insisted they spend a day together as a family.

In exchange, she promised the older children that Sunday they could do their own thing, knowing that Matthew would spend it with Ingrid and Colleen had made up with Becky. Michaela was sure the girls would spend the day together, picking some young lad from their class to pieces.

Matthew climbed out of the car and opened the gate at Sully's place, waiting till she had driven through, and then closed it again.

Climbing in beside her he was sullen as he was many times since arriving in Colorado Springs. He had become disagreeable; Michaela knew it was hormones and his age, but she could not wait till it was over.

Colleen was going through the same mood swings, Michaela recognised, and at times she could have throttled her. She appreciated her poor mother now much more, knowing she had to deal with this five times.

Stopping in Sully's front yard, she could not tell Brian to take his time the boy was already at the door knocking. He was rewarded with a yapping from behind the closed door.

Sully smiled, watching the small dog's front paws bouncing off the floor as he barked, guessing who would be there when he opened the door.

Sully picked up the pup and proceeded to open the front door. Brian was waiting with a huge smile.

"Mornin' Mr...Sully," he said his eyes settling on the pup.

"You come to play with Wolf?" Sully responded, his eyes focussing on Michaela and the two older children. His thoughts were whirling, "_They look too old to be hers."_

Brian distracted him with the exclamation, "Wolf?"

"Yeah, that is his name," Sully replied.

"I like it," the lad responded with a grin, repeating, "Wolf," as he took the pup from Sully, turning and beaming at Michaela and the others.

Sully stood on the porch and Michaela felt a bit uncomfortable before clearing her throat. Looking at Matthew she introduced him and then Colleen.

"Ya had them young?" Sully said, kicking himself when the words spilled out.

"Oh! I have adopted them after their mother died, Brian was very young then," she mumbled.

Matthew, looking at the barn said, "Ya could put a cow in there."

"And horses," Colleen chipped in.

Looking at the older two, Michaela suggested after receiving a nod from Sully that they could go and explore. Brian was happy just playing with the pup in the yard.

She remained standing on the ground. Sully suddenly remembered his manners and offered her a cup of coffee. Thanking him she accepted and walked up to the porch and through the open door.

Clothes were scattered around the large open room; there was a huge pile of ash in the fire place. Dust lay on the mantle and cupboards; it now was obvious that Sully had not cared for the place for some time. A noticeable absence was empty liquor bottles for which she was pleased. Alcohol was a contributing factor with depression, well any substance abuse. It looked as if Sully was stronger than that.

They were taking the cups to the two wing-backed chairs. One was extremely worn and discoloured, like an favourite old shawl.

"Sorry...place is a bit of a mess."

"Don't apologise; it is your home," Michaela reassured as she looked at the blanket on the floor wondering if he slept down here, too.

Before the silence over-took them, Michaela told Sully about the children and how she came to have them and about the promise to her friend when she was dying.

"Ya gotta keep ya promises." Sully's voice showed a strain as he said that. She looked at him, wondering about promises he had made and maybe felt he had not kept.

"Hang on, Cloud Dancing, ya goin' to be okay. MEDIC!" The words stormed unwanted into Sully's mind.

All of a sudden the room shuddered and was filled with a *big bang* as the front door blew shut after Brain came running in chasing Wolf.

Instantly Sully was on the floor, curled into the foetal position, holding his head, screaming.

Michaela instantly followed Sully and took him in her arms, rocking him and reassuring him that everything was all right.

Brian looked and saw his mother motion with her eyes for him to leave. Scooping the pup up he made for the door, closing it quietly and went to sit on the bottom step. His eyes, filling with tears he wondered what was going on, why had Sully reacted that way; like a wounded animal.

Michaela kept rocking the frightened and shaking man in her arms, repeating over and over, "Sully, it's all right. It was only the door."

Trembling with fear Sully tried to gather his emotions. He could feel her and hear the compassion in her voice as he fought his way back out on the living hell he was in at that moment.

He was reliving his last battle; bullets zinging past, as men were falling and blood, so much blood. Soldiers crying out in pain, his feeling of not being able to help, his promise to get them home was being shattered. He felt trapped, and was paralysed.

Minutes passed and they seemed like hours. Michaela's arms were becoming numb, but she kept cuddling him tightly, like a mother would a baby, as his tremors began to subside. He had begun crying uncontrollably during this time. Mumbling words she could not understand. Michaela then began repeating, "Let it all out Sully, let it all out. Hang on Sully, it will be all right. I am here now."

This was not her office and she never held her clients, this was Sully's home and he needed her. She knew instinctively he was hanging on for dear life, trying not to plummet over the edge of the cliff.

He was extremely vulnerable at this moment, and he knew he could not let go although that was what he had wanted for so long.

There was a woman's voice telling him to hang on, that she was here now. He felt as if he could let go and she would be there to catch him.

Early again Just... The next three weeks I promise to post a chapter a week. They may be a bit wobbly on the days. My great editor Kruemi arrives tomorrow. Yay...


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Brian was still seated on the step when the older ones came back, and he told them what had happened, his small face streaked with dirt smeared tears.

It was past lunch and Brian was not happy although he was concerned about their new friend.

"I'm hungry," he whined.

"You're always hungry." Matthew said tussling his hair. "Let's go for another walk," he suggested. He knew their Ma would not leave till she was satisfied that Sully was all right.

Inside Sully became more and more exhausted with the emotions he was trying to control. He had lived over a year holding his feeling to himself, and now they just kept coming and he had no way of stopping them; wave after wave, hitting him with devastating force.

Images he had refused to let loose came to the fore. His family, then his wife and child... Sobs were wracking his whole body. Then came the battles, each one taking something from him. Finally the last one.

His two friends advancing with caution and then Robert E falling, Cloud Dancing shielding him. Sully running forward and dragging Robert E, then shrugging off the hands of mates to plunge forward for CD. He had to pick him up, and he felt the oozing of blood through his fingers. The Medic team took his burden and he stood while they checked for his vitals. He saw them look and shake their heads as he then went after the ones who had killed his best friend. That was when he was given an award for valour. He didn't want the cold metal medal. He wanted his friend back.

Michaela had stretched the exhausted man out, lying down by him, stroking his head letting him feel she was still there. She thought as she ran her fingers through his hair, rubbing his scalp, it must not have been cut since his discharge.

After what seemed like hours Sully finally began breathing normally; exhausted he had gone to sleep. Michaela made sure he slept before she moved, but he seemed to sense her intention and grabbed her hand and wrapped it around his waist, entwining their fingers.

Sully finally felt as if there was someone that cared for him, a safety he had not felt since he was a small boy.

The children had walked for miles. With each step Brian complained more as he carried the puppy. Matthew let out a huge groan and handed the pup to Colleen and swung Brian onto his shoulders. His younger brother was a little heavy, but it was worth the continual gripping.

They finally saw the cabin in the distance and all heaved a huge sigh of relief. It was good to see the distance was now quite close.

Matthew motioned the others to stay at the bottom of the steps, as he silently ascended them, carrying the squirming pup.

Opening the door he peeked in and could only see the legs of a man and woman protruding from behind the chairs. Surprised he was not able to hold the pup that plummeted to the floor and scrambled towards the pair. Sliding around the chair the pup found Sully's face and began licking him all over.

Matthew tried grabbing him but was too slow; he then retreated out the door.

Michaela had not expected the pup to appear and could not act in time to stop it launching itself at Sully.

She expected him to jump up and be disorientated, but she heard him chuckle and take his hand from hers and pat the dog.

"Hey, boy."

Sitting he looked at the woman still lying on the floor, and suddenly all he had experienced came back. Looking at her, he didn't know what to say. All he was feeling now was relief, as if had removed the huge weight he had carried around with him.

"Sorry."

Michaela looked into his eyes; he looked like a totally different person than the tormented one only hours before.

"Sully, don't be. We need to talk later," she replied as she blushed and scrambled to stand.

"No need," Sully answered trying to gauge her reaction and remember the things he had said through his episode.

"Sully! Yes you do, this was only the beginning; now let me help you." She was in authority now, and he had to concede he did actually feel better.

Why was the prospect of recovery so daunting? Nothing would change. Though looking at the woman who had held him through the ordeal, he realized she did not appear to judge him, she only showed compassion.

"No, I can manage."He stubbornly insisted.

"Let me help you...please. You cannot do this on your own," she pleaded.

Sully knew from experience that she was right. He conceded by saying, "All right, but no office, an' no couch." She reacted by smiling and nodding.

"All right no office, maybe a couch." She smiled at him.

He could tell she was joking and smiled back, looking at Wolf and asking, "Should we trust her?" The pup wagged his tail and yapped in response. "Okay your ganging up on me." He conceded.

A short time later they emerged from the house and saw the children seated on the bottom step. Brian jumped up asking, "Can we get something to eat?" Matthew eyed Michaela with a strange look, nudging his brother's shoulder, silently telling him to be quiet.

"Yes, we will get something on the way home." Then she gazed at Sully who still had a puffy face and red eyes. "Would you like to come?"

He looked at her rather surprised, "Nah, maybe take a rain check though."

"Yes, of course," she answered smiling that at least he may come another time.

The children all got in the car waving to Sully as they drove away.

When they were seated at the table with their food in front of them Matthew asked, "What happened back there?"

She thought it was about what Brian would have told them.

"Well, Sully is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression. It is something those who has seen or been involved in something awful suffer from. The door slamming sent him into a trauma of fright, like a panic attack."

Matthew nodded, Brian whispered, "Sorry."

Colleen, wide eyed, said, "How awful."

"Yes it is, and it takes time to recover. Some people never do. Brian it was not your fault," Michaela continued. She had always tried to tell the children the truth as her work often became difficult. On the Military Base the children saw and heard things at school. Here in the community it was different but her job was the same.

"Are you going to be working with him?" Matthew asked, wondering if she could remain professional after seeing her lying on the floor with him.

"Yes," she responded.

He looked oddly at her again but said nothing.

...

I'm back and we had a good time. Still maybe a little wobbly in the next couple of weeks...


	9. Chapter 9

Ch 9

Work became insanely busy over the next few days, and Michaela was frustrated at not being able to visit Sully. She needed to see him, not have a sterile talk on the phone where she could not see his face. She had to be able to gauge for herself his true condition.

Finally there was a late afternoon when she was able to get away and she went out to the farm. When she saw the house she smiled, there was something about the solid wooden structure that made her feel at peace. The turmoil inside did not fit with the surroundings.

Climbing the steps she wondered what she would find. Sully had seemed all right after his episode, now she was worried if he was still handling everything or had he slipped even further back. She knew that there were some who just could not come back from the cliffs edge. These were the ones that took a lot from her emotionally.

Others managed to take steps forward and then slid back some, but each time forward helped with a final good recovery. This was what she wanted so very much for Sully. He was a good man and she had read so many amazing citations of his bravery.

He stuck up for the underdog and his men loved, respected and admired him. She did not want to see him slipping through her fingers. She was buoyed by the fact that he had begun to heal the other day when she was there.

Knocking on the door, admiring the bevelled glass oval in the door, she smiled when she heard Wolf barking. He had been a saviour also. She was grateful that he taken the pup and had bonded with the small animal.

She heard Sully's heavy footsteps come to the door and was amazed at the difference to the first time she had knocked on the same entrance.

He opened the door, and seeing who was standing there he smiled and stepped aside for her to enter.

"Coffee?" he enquired.

"Yes please, thank you," she answered as she entered the room, looking around. The room looked tidier. The blanket was folded and the fire place was cleaned, small changes that pleased her. It showed that he was still in a good place.

He returned from the adjoining kitchen, still smiling, "How do you have it?"

"With some milk or cream please," she returned with the same kind of smile.

Carrying two steaming coffee mugs he placed them on a coffee table between the two chairs. He sat on the aged looking one and she sat on the other. The pup looked at Sully and lay down at his feet. It seemed obvious the pup followed the lead of its master.

"Doctor Quinn..."Sully began, looking at her.

"Please call me Michaela," she responded with a smile. The unit had a policy that they would all be referred to by their name, it was less intimidating for the clients, and not the formal institutionalised way it had been in history. The patients were more at ease and talked readily instead of clamming up.

Tentatively Sully rolled her name around before saying it. He liked the sound of it and was sure there was a story to tell.

"Michaela, what actually happened the other day?" he asked warily. He had had flash-backs of crying like a baby and of lying on the floor with her. Ashamed that he had finally cracked, he wanted to apologise, but with only snippets of memory he was afraid he had done or said something inappropriate. Lying on the floor was his major concern. He especially didn't want her to feel sorry for him. Nobody was to feel sorry for him.

She leaned forward and took one of his hands and waited till he looked from their clasped hands to her face.

"Sully, nothing happened that was not supposed to."

He was not aware he had held his breath as he let out a shuddering sigh, and nodded in understanding.

She waited as the silence invaded the room, both now showing more interest in sipping their coffee.

Finally she invited him to talk, "Sully, please talk to me. You have begun; don't let yourself slip back into that dark space."

Sully just looks at her surprised. CD had used those same words when he had told him of his feelings about Abigail and was showing him Hannah prints.

"Sully, you have to talk. You cannot carry this around with you," his friend had said only nights before he died.

Michaela saw a faraway look and knew instinctively that he was recalling a significant memory.

"I don' know how to do this," he responded in a small voice.

"I know it will be very hard, but I suggest you start at the beginning. What was your childhood like?"

"I was born on a ship somewhere between England and America. My father hated New York as he loved the green rolling hills from home. He got real sick on the wharves and died soon after we arrived. I was still a baby and I don't remember him. Mum had a photo near her bed an' cried a lot."

There was a silence while he composed himself before he continued.

"My brother had an accident on his bike. He was hit by a car. I was there and ran and told our Mum. She ran and sat on the road with him; she wouldn't let anyone touch him. It should have been me. He was the eldest and her favourite."

Michaela looked more intently at Sully, realizing he had felt guilty for living and his brother dying. There was another long pause before Sully even more quietly continued.

"She cried and cried, and stayed in bed. I tried to be a good son and did all that I could, but nothing helped." His eyes began tearing up. "A doctor saw her and wanted to electric shock her, send her to one of *them* hospitals."

Michaela shuddered; she knew by the emphasis on *them* what type of hospital he was talking about.

"Said she had Melancholia." He looked from the floor to Michaela and asked, "What is that?"

"We call it depression these days."

"Oh."

"Sully, let us leave it there for today," she suggested. Sully only nodded. He picked up the pup and instantly there was a lick and a wag of the tail. Sully smiled and responded to the dog with a gentle hug.

Michaela did not want Sully to explain what she already knew, and lead him into another low as she had to leave presently.


	10. Chapter 10

Ch 10

Michaela was seated at the big oval table. She was at a case conference with her other colleagues. The head of the department held them monthly to see that the entire veteran's were receiving the best care.

"Well Mike, your turn," the head Doctor Bernard said.

She had the pile of files in the order she wanted to present them.

"Private Slicker has joined Alcoholics Anonymous and taken the twelve step program. He has been paired with another man from his unit who will be his contact if he wants to drink again.

Mid Shipman Lawson unfortunately has bought a bar called the Golden Nugget, and it has a poker room. I fear he will not stop his gambling habit.

Private Myra has been in the half way house and she is receiving assistance. Hopefully she has kicked the game.

Sergeant Sully..." Saying his name was met with sniggers around the table as each of the staff had tried to get through to this client without success, and many were jealous she had managed.

With a more determined voice she repeated, "Sergeant Sully is now slowly responding to visits. He has a small companion, a pup, and this has helped as he has to think of looking after the animal also." She was not going to add that the dog came from Brian.

Looks of amazement were on the faces of the others.

"Good work, keep it up with Sully. It seems a little unorthodox but if it is working, keep going," Dr Bernard advised.

A few others went through their cases to, and the meeting was ended.

Michaela heard whispers from the males that she was a woman and maybe Sully needed someone. She exited the room before she responded to their comments. She did not want them to know she was treating him in his home, fuelling more gossip.

...

The next few days were exceptionally hard. Work, the children were going to go camping and then, to top it all off, her washing machine broke down and flooded the laundry.

Her nerves rattled as she decided to go and see Sully and escape the office.

Climbing the stairs she was surprised when the door was open before she got there. Sully was leaning on the door frame and Wolf seated obediently beside him.

Looking up she noted he was smiling as he said, "I have the kettle on."

"Oh, do I need that," Michaela sighed silently, entering the house and flopping in the welcoming arm chair.

Sully disappeared into the kitchen, returning with the two cups of coffee. Placing them on the coffee table he looked at her and noted wisps of hair where falling out of her hair-do. She looked tired, and the way she sat was not at ease as she had been before.

"Wanna tell me what is wrong?" he asked in a concerned tone.

"Never mind, we are not going to be discussing me," she responded.

Sully was already looking forward to her visits and therefore he knew something was bothering her and attempted again. "Maybe I can help," he volunteered.

"Nobody can help." she answered somewhat defeated. "I was up all night washing clothes by hand and then drying them. The kids are all on camp over the long weekend and my washing machine has died. I can't afford another." She was so surprised with herself she blushed a bright red. Then in a small voice she said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to off load my problems."

Taking her hand he gave it a squeeze and offered, "Don' be sorry, I am glad you told me."He had an engaging smile that she reciprocated.

Sipping the coffee in silence they glanced at each other.

"Sully, it is time you continued with your story," she finally mentioned.

Taking a long drawn out breath he sat silent a moment while his memories resurfaced.

"Yeah. I said my mother had depression, is that what I have?"

The question floored her as she was not expecting him to have thought anymore about it. As she was already looking at him for his reaction she watched as his sad eyes moved to hers. His eyes were dark like a stormy ocean. Sad, heartbreaking, lonely and abandoned like the small boy left all alone. She moved from the chair to sit at his feet and held his securely clasped hands, the knuckled bleached white.

Watching his eyes she knew once again he was trusting her to catch him if he fell, as he travelled back in time to just one of those moments he wished he had never experienced.

"I was supposed to be going to school, but forgot my sports gear. Mum had been really bad for a couple of days. The doctor had given her some tablets but I found them in the bin. In a way I was thankful as I did fear she would just take the lot."

Michaela flinched, wondering how a small boy could have thought of that.

"As I came around the corner she came out of the front door. She was still in her night dress. I hid, so she didn't see me; she just walked by and never knew I was there. How could she do that, not even sense I was watching?"

He paused in his story. Michaela came up on her knees and taking a hand away she brushed a stray lock of hair back behind his ear. This small action brought him back to her; she sat down again and went back to holding his clasped hands. He unwound them and wound them back with hers trapped there.

"She never saw me. Her steps were taking her to the Hudson River. She did not swim."

He was becoming distressed and she wondered if she should stop him, but knew it would only delay his recovery.

"She could not swim but still headed for the river. She hated the river; father worked on the river."He stopped there only for a brief minute then continued. "She walked along the shore for a bit, people on boats told her to go home."

Looking at her he asked, "Why didn't she go home? She had me, but I wasn't good enough... she walked onto the bridge and walked half way across. I didn't follow; I didn't want her to see me... then ...then she just climbed up on the railing and jumped... I called to her not to... I don' know if she heard...I got to the spot but there was only a whirl pool where she disappeared."

Softly he said, "A boat picked her up; by then a policeman had come and took me to the shore...I had to identify her... Michaela, she was so cold and grey."

"They put me in a horrid home and I finally ran away."

He stood and lay down like he had the other day pulling her with him.

Tears flowed quite freely now, he rested his head on her lap and cried warm tears soaking her light dress. Like before she ran her fingers through his long hair.

She had held him before and he wanted to feel those same feelings, of being secure, protected and safe.


	11. Chapter 11

Ch 11

Once more, Sully cried himself to sleep in the arms of this incredible woman. Pup was curled at his stomach, sleeping also. Michaela hugged him close; this time however she was more alert and felt the hard muscles under the T Shirt he wore. If she flinched he seemed to know and held her tighter, her hands held to him again, only over his heart this time.

Michaela was amazed that he seemed sane although vulnerable, aware of the very fine line he was treading. She knew there was more of his story. Her mind went back to when she would have been his age and watching someone she loved jump off a bridge.

He father had a stroke at the breakfast table when she was older, that was sad enough. Watching someone deliberately kill themselves she could not comprehend.

Sully's sleep was much shorter this time, and he kept himself still when he woke. He could feel her hug, it felt good. She was different to others: she cared, really cared. Taking on grown children would not have been easy. Amazed he lavished in the feeling of safety she evoked in him. It was a feeling of being protected he had not felt in a very long time.

The pup had other ideas; as soon as he knew his master was awake he was up and licking his face. Michaela tried stopping him but Sully grabbed her hand firmly, telling her he was awake. Michaela then attempted to sit.

"Stay a bit," he asked as she slid back down behind him, taking up her previous position.

Wanting to explore the freedom he was feeling, he began to talk.

"You make me feel safe and protected. When I was young I thought that my family did not want to be around me. That it was my fault they died." Turning to face her he put his finger lightly over her lips stopping her answer. "I know it isn't, but it has taken me a long time to sort that out." A silence followed.

"When I ran away from the home..., they used us as child labour...some kids were abused real bad." He stiffened a little.

"Sully?" her thoughts were _"Oh no! Not that too."_

"No! No thankfully nothing like that." He immediately reassured her. "I moved around a lot and met Daniel. He was a bit older than me, that is when we came out here."

She had not seen any notes about Daniel and wondered what had happened to him.

"Daniel he made it big in investment'. We kinda drifted away, I guess," he added as if hearing the voice inside her head. "Haven't been in touch a long time. Guess I supposed he was not interested."

Looking at her lying on her side, he put his hands around her head. She watched and felt as he freed her hair, running his fingers the length of it.

"Ya got real nice hair. I knew what it would look like if ya had it down." Using his finger like a comb, she could not prevent herself from leaning into his hand.

Their eyes locked and both found it hard to look away.

Suddenly he jumped up and pulled her to her feet.

"Now let's go and see what is wrong with ya washing machine." He felt like he had been hit by a freight train: he was caressing her head and she appeared to be enjoying it. _"What do ya think ya doing? You made a PROMISE, remember? To Abigail, ya remember, don' ya?"_

She let him pull her to her feet, returning his smile, although it did not meet his eyes. She thought that he was sad because of the forgotten friend.

The pup was jumping around, excited at going out. "Sorry Wolf. 'member no animals; that is why ya here." Sully told him.

Outside he went to the barn and collected a few tools, pleased that they had not rusted. Before he had gone off to the war, he had seen to it that they had been stored well. They had been used to build the house, he had been a carpenter by trade. Although when he left he had plans never to be returning.

Putting Wolf down, Sully shut the door before he could escape. "Sorry boy, ya gotta stay." He knew there was no way the pup could leave and there was enough water and food for him.

He had left his SUV and he knew he could not take it. Moving over to Michaela's car he waited near the passenger's side door. "Sorry, my car is not fit to drive at the moment."

Nodding she pressed the lock, and the sound of it unlocking could be heard. He smiled as he wondered who would steal it out here.

Sitting in it, he glanced around the car. It was very nice and new and big enough for her and the kids. It was clean and looked like someone looked after it.

Gazing around he was amazed at the changes that were taking over the area he loved. Then he realized that houses were nearly up to his gate. He had not dreamt that the urban sprawl would be so close. Suddenly he leant back into the seat, dropping his head into his hands as his pulse quickened and his breathing became shallow.

Michaela was aware of his change in posture, "Sully are you all right?"

He was too intent on getting his heart rate and breathing controlled and was not aware she had stopped the car. Gently placing her hand on his shoulder; trying to prevent him from jumping, she asked again, "Sully, are you all right?"

He tried nodding as he felt her draw circles on his back. This slowly connected him to his surroundings again.

"I'll take you back," she said as she started the car after he was better.

Placing his hand over hers on the steering wheel he answered, "No, I gotta do this. May as well be now, with you by my side...supporting me. 'Sides, I have ta fix that machine 'cause it won' fix itself."

Michaela nodded, knowing that this was another vital step in Sully's recovery. She pulled out and continued home.


	12. Chapter 12

Ch12

They pulled up outside her apartment and Sully judged it with a critical look. He was never keen on apartment houses; they had no heart and cramped small rooms where you could *not swing a cat.

After collecting the canvas bag with his tools, he followed her up the stairs.

She opened the door and stood aside to allow his entry into a long narrow hall. The lounge room was crammed with seats and the television. A small bookcase held photos and a collection of worn books. Her bedroom door was open and he glanced in. The large bed nearly took up the entire room. A soft pastel doona covered the bed and pillows that matched lay on it. The bed side table had a lamp with beads hanging from it like he had seen in old photos, and an electric alarm clock flashed the time. He found everything simple but elegant and attractive, just as he thought she would have her things. He liked that, in contrast to Abigail, it was all modern and plastic. He had often wondered how her style would suit in the wooden house he built. He stepped aside for Michaela to squeeze through so she could show him to the kitchen laundry combination, serviceable but not roomy once more.

She had soggy towels all over the floor and a laundry basket full of wet clothes. Apologising for the mess, she watched as he walked the machine out of its snug place under a bench. Kneeling down he turned it around so he could unscrew the back. He took out a number of pieces and looking at her he announced the belt was broken and needed replacing.

As he began to stand, he hit his head on the bench. Holding it he groaned as he slumped to the floor, blood trickling from his hairline into his eye through his fingers.

Michaela was immediately in action, telling him to sit still and taking off towards the bathroom, returning with her home first aid kit. She moved his hand from his head and used an alcoholic swab to clean the gash, to which he jumped. Then she pulled out a number of sterile strips to use as stitches, saying if he did not stay still she would stitch it with a needle and thread. His immediate comment was, "I hate needles."

Smiling she advised him, "You had better be good then."

Moaning, Sully said she was *going overboard. She ignored the comment until she was satisfied that the cut was treated. Finally she looked at his pupils with her small pencil torch. Shaking her head, she assisted him to stand, gliding him past the children's bedrooms to her own. He was dripping wet from lying on the floor and she removed his shirt. His physic was amazing, considering he had done nothing for the past six months at least. As she dropped her hands lower to his trousers, he abruptly grabbed them; he had not expected she would remove his pants as well.

Blushing a bright red and dropping her eyes, she told him to call her when he was under the covers as she wanted to put his clothes in the dryer. Then she turned and hurriedly left the room.

When he called, she peeked in and saw he was under the covers, his wet clothes in a pile on the floor. She was surprised to see he was actually laying on her side of the bed. She had never shared a bed, not even with David and it had never occurred to her about what side people would sleep on.

She entered and as she bent to collect his wet clothes he took her arm, "Ya coming back? I want ya too."

"Yes, we have to keep you awake for some time," she replied.

Minutes later she was back and lowered herself on the other side of her bed. Insecurity was all of a sudden gripping her; she was sitting on a bed with a naked man with only a blanket covering him. This was not at all ethical her inner voice repeated in her head.

He could see she was having an internal battle, he had raged his own many times these past weeks.

"Ya don' have to stay if ya feel uncomfortable," he reassured her.

The moment he gave her the okay to leave she felt much better. "No, I want to stay," she reassured him.

Sliding down she lay on her side, looking at him. He followed her lead and slid down till they were facing each other, acutely aware that there was only a quilt between them.

"Sully, tell me what happened before you signed up?" She was aware that he always seemed to go into a deep malaise when he travelled into the past, but she also knew that each time he seemed better later on.

This question was followed by a long silence.

Then quietly he began telling her about meeting Abigail in school. How they fell in love and married. Her father was not at all pleased, and they lived in a small cabin her mother owned.

He built the building she now knew as his home and that Abigail never lived there. He recalled how he felt about being told he was to be a father, about his dream of being a family the one thing he'd missed so much growing up, and the sense of belonging.

There was another long silence that followed, and Michaela rubbed her hand up and down his arm, letting him know he was not alone.

He wanted to skip the next part, but he had witnessed what telling his story was doing for him. He was feeling better and he liked that; it was really helpful. Michaela was amazing; he could never thank her enough for what she was doing for him. He now wanted to tackle what life had to offer; somehow some-where she had kindled hope.

Opening his eyes Sully looked into Michaela's, and he was surprised to see they were different colours. Michaela liked blue and Sully's eyes were an amazing colour blue. She knew they changed with his moods.

Taking a long breath he told her about the phone call, being so afraid as he tore through to the hospital where he had taken his wife. About being barred from being allowed in the operating room and his tiny little daughter, holding her to him and hoping she would survive. He turned and the cover fell away, exposing his bare behind. Michaela froze until he resumed his position holding his wallet and taking out the precious paper with Hannah's prints on it.

He handed it to her and the tears began to fall unchecked. Michaela knew of the practice and was pleased someone had actually done this for the grieving husband and father.

Michaela murmured, "She was so small". He could only nod as he ran his thumb over the prints that were the only reminder he had of what he had lost.

***No room to swing a cat.***

**Meaning: **An awkwardly small, confined space.

**Origin:**

Whether the 'cat' was a real moggy or the flail-like whip used to punish sailors in the British Navy isn't clear. Many reports claim that the cat in question is the 'cat o'nine tails'. As so often though, they don't supply evidence, just certainty. As a candidate for folk etymology goes the 'cat o' nine tails' story has it all - plausibility, a strong storyline and a nautical origin. That's enough to convince many people - the actual evidence shows the theory to be highly dubious. The phrase itself dates from at least the 17th century. Richard Kephale's _Medela Pestilentiae_, 1665:

"They had not space enough (according to the vulgar saying) to swing a Cat in."

The nature of that citation makes it clear that the phrase was already in use prior to it being committed to paper. The 'cat o' nine tails' isn't recorded until 1695 though, in William Congreve's _Love for Love_:

"If you should give such language at sea, you'd have a cat-o'-nine-tails laid cross your shoulders."

If those dates are in fact the earliest uses then the 'cat o' nine tails' theory is wrong.

*** Go overboard***

_Fig._ to fall out of a boat or off of a ship; to fall overboard. _Be careful or you will go overboard._ _Someone went overboard in the fog._

**2.** _Fig._ to do too much; to be extravagant. _Look, Sally, let's have a nice party, but don't go overboard. It doesn't need to be fancy._ _Okay, you can buy a big comfortable car, but don't go overboard on price._


	13. Chapter 13

Ch 13

Sully was exhausted and Michaela found herself hugging him again. This seemed to happen every time he opened up snippets of his past.

She once again was saddened that he had so much pain and sorrow in his life. Placing herself in that situation, she knew she would never have survived.

"Tell me about you?" he asked looking at her, "you are hearing my story. Now it is time to share."

This was definitely not what a therapist did, but there was something about them that was beyond that now.

"I am from Boston, my mother and sisters are still alive and my father died some years ago. He was a doctor, and I always wanted to be just like him".

"I joined the army and studied medicine in Philadelphia. There I shared boarding with Charlotte, my best friend. When she was dying, she begged I take the children as there was nobody else. It has been tough. I was engaged to David, and he did not like nor want a readymade family. He was deployed abruptly, and I broke off the engagement and shifted here. It seems he was emotionally abusing the children when he looked after them. He told them when we married he would be sending them to a boarding school, and over the holidays to summer camps, so we would hardly be seeing them. We would not be a family. I only found out afterwards. He had blackmailed them it would happen sooner if I ever found out."

Sully stiffened as she divulged this. The kids were not going to be part of the family? His mind screamed at the thought. That was all he had ever wanted his whole life, to be part of a loving family.

"Matthew and Colleen knew what that meant," Michaela continued. "Brian rather thought it would be exciting. The children are fine now, but we have had our fair share of turmoil. I have no idea about children so we take it slowly." Smiling she added, "It is all about hormones now. Matthew has a girlfriend, Ingrid and Colleen has discovered boys."

Suddenly it was her who was vulnerable, and their positions changed. It was Sully who guided her head to rest in the cleft of his shoulder while he rubbed her back. He realized how insecure her fiancé had made her. By the way she spoke of her father he could hear the adoration she felt for him, even before she said she missed him terribly.

Feeling secure, they both fell silent and neither was aware as they drifted off to sleep.

Michaela woke first and noticed she was being cuddled. Then she became aware of where the cover on Sully had crept down to: just under his naval. He was warm and she tried to keep her racing heart under control. She liked the feelings he had provoked in her and knew that she was safe with him. Being with a man hardly covered was something she had never experienced before. He was superb and considerate, she had never met another man like him.

Next Sully woke, and he didn't guess Michaela was awake as she had her eyes closed. He could not cover himself because moving would have disturbed the peace. He had not had this peace for such a long time, he wanted it to continue if even only for a short time longer. She smelt and felt so good! He closed his eyes and took a long slow breath. His heart was beginning to race faster and he warmed even more.

Both were aware now that the other was awake but neither the less kept still.

Finally Michaela sat and looked at Sully. She knew now that she felt for him more than she should. That was why it was becoming impossible to remain being his therapist. Looking into his eyes she leant forward and kissed the corner of his mouth.

Sully moved and next moment he had his arms around her and increased the pressure and desire in his returned kiss, whispering her name.

She was so enthralled that she wanted to stay and explore these new feelings. Deciding the best thing to do was to leave, she backed herself off the bed and out the room.

Returning minutes later with his clothes, she saw he had covered himself. She smiled and left, shutting the door.

He emerged from the bedroom and grinned at her, "Am I all right now, doc?" Guiding him to the sofa she looked into his eyes and nodded, "All clear."

"Good, I got a job to finish," he stated.

They went to a store that was open for late night trading. Pulling up outside, Sully began to feel uneasy. Michaela sensed it straight away.

"I'll go in; just tell me what you need," she reassured him understanding that this was his first adventure outside in over a year. She wanted it not to be his last.

On the way home they went through a drive way and bought some take away for dinner. When they arrived at the flat and he had fixed the machine, they sat and ate the meal in comfort and silence, both enjoying company and not needing to fill in the space with chatter.

Sully and Michaela were thinking the same thing about the other, that having a friend was amazing. Each was now comfortable with their growing feelings for each other.

Michaela needed to just spend a few more weeks with him to finally feel she could excuse herself from the case. At least she hoped so.

Sully was exhausted; he had used a lot of pent up energy just going out, and now he was extremely tired.

Michaela saw this and made a decision that he could stay the night, before she suggested it to him.

Sully was so depleted of energy, he just accepted the offer. Michaela did not want him using the children's beds as this was their space and it was important that they knew this. The lounge was too short for Sully's long frame so she decided to have him sleep in her bed. She could curl up on the lounge.

Opening the wall unit, she looked for a pillow and a blanket. Sully noticed and complained that it was unfair that she give up her bed for him.

"What do you suggest?" she answered with a huff.

"Michaela, nothing will happen if we both sleep in your bed, I give my word."

The look of surprise was written all over her face. She trusted him and was sure that would be the case.

Finally they agreed and Sully was in bed first while she had a shower and readied herself for the night.


	14. Chapter 14

Ch 14

Both knew that they were friends, very best of friends. It was something they had come to understand in the time they had been meeting.

When Michaela entered the room and removed her robe, Sully could not stop looking at her. She was like an angel, the soft light from the bedside lamp as she shed an unreal aura off her lemon silk night dress. Her hair cascaded over her shoulder like a soft golden curtain. Once again Sully seemed to prefer her side of the bed. Lifting the covers for her to slide in she noted he had on his jocks. She blushed as she had not thought of what he would wear in bed.

Tentatively she slid into the bed, then she got a shock of her life as Sully put his arm out for her to move closer. She came nearer and he hugged her to himself.

It did feel good and both closed their eyes, savouring the moment. They fitted together like a glove on a hand and it felt so right.

Looking at each other Sully decided to explain what he was feeling at that time, "Ya know ya have saved me, don' yeh?"

"Sully, you are doing the healing, I am just here to help you all I can. Let us forget about that tonight and just enjoy how far you have come."

It was not long before they both fell asleep, even though both wanted to discuss their new found friendship and feelings. Michaela was exhausted from the combination of work and being both mother and father to the children. This was her first long period of time without them. She was worried although she trusted them all to be good. It was still unusual for her to have time to herself or now having a friend to talk to.

Just coming out of his comfort zone Sully was more exhausted than he would ever have thought, and it amazed him seeing the changes that had occurred in such a short time of solitude.

He decided that he could not go back and that scared him. It seemed that everything had changed from the moment this incredible woman had walked into his life.

They did not stir until the early hue of morning had well and truly caressed the horizon. Both were waking as if in cue, their internal clocks synchronised to each other.

Michaela stretched, pointing her toes down and her arms above her head and turning a smiling face in his direction. Sully watched as he let out a small, "hmmm" of contentment. Her hair splayed all around her.

"Morning, sleep well?" he asked, enjoying the peaceful look on her face that a good night's sleep had afforded her. He ran his fingers through her hair.

Nodding, she asked about his night.

"Best night's sleep I have had in a year," he responded, and chuckling he added, "sleeping by the most beautiful woman in the world and in a bed not cramped in a chair." He had moved his hand out again to smooth her hair. "I love ya hair, especially when ya have it down. I wanted to touch it the first time I saw ya."

They looked at each other, and the gentle rhythm of his hand soothing her hair made her pulse increase. His seemed in tune and it scared him. He took his hand away and began to move from her side when he was stopped.

"Don't go...please." she pleaded, "Hold me."

He could not deny her request so he resumed his previous position. "Ya don't know what ya doin' to me, Michaela. I owe ya my life." He pulled her closer and took a deep breath, savouring the scent he was becoming too accustomed to.

She clung to him like she was a drowning person, "We help each other, Sully." He had helped her get over David and how he had left her feeling, inadequate and insecure. That she was half a woman because she did not feel right going to bed with him. Sully was different; he just wanted to be cuddled with no strings. He was good with Brian and the others. David thought of them as an imposition.

All these thoughts swirled in her head. She wanted to be best friends with Sully and even more so taking a long cleansing breathe she began, "What I am feeling for you has grown. I've never thought I would feel this way again, Sully. I hope this will not scare you away from me...us."

There, it was said and she could not just take it back.

Sully was not as surprised as he thought he would be. He knew he had changed and was feeling the same way, but he was a little bit more cautious.

"Michaela, I have way too much baggage for now."

"I can help. I am helping right?" she whispered.

Leaning over he kissed her gently for the first time, his senses reeled and all of a sudden he licked her lips and was given entry. The fire consumed them both like lonely souls that had been thrown together up on a deserted beach in a storm.

Breathless and gasping for air they parted but came together again, Michaela circling his chest with her fingers as his hand bunched her nighty and caressed her back.

Their common sense seemed to have completely abandoned them at this moment.

Enjoying this intimate moment they just accepted that they would not go further.

Parting again, breathless, they moved slightly, putting some small distance between them. "'Chaela, I am not ready yet," He admitted breathlessly.

"We can wait," she answered quietly, afraid her needs were pushing him too quickly.

...

They were heading back to his place when he asked for a small detour, and they ended up at a neat white picket fence. Sully alighted and Michaela watched as he hesitantly walked through the gate.

He walked along the row of white crosses, finally standing near one. The difference was there was the white wooden cross but also a medium height white statue of a woman holding a baby to her breast. Kneeling, he absently pulled out a few weeds growing between the white stones that were covering the grave.

Looking through blurred vision he read the inscription on the cross, tears silently falling down his cheeks.

"Abigail, you know I will always love you...and Hannah." Gulping for air he knew he needed to continue telling her what was on his mind and what was in his heart. "_Another step for healing," _he heard the voice in his head telling him. "You were there for me, gave me a beautiful little girl, but then you both left." Tears where now streaming down his face and fell unchecked off his chin. "I became reckless and wanted to die but it was not to be... now someone else has found me... wants to help me. I am going to take that help, Abigail...I'm sure you understand I can't live alone, always sad and lonely...I need...no, I love her."

There, he had said it. He knew he had made a promise, but he also knew Abigail would want him to be happy; she had spent all the time with him making sure he was happy.

He remained silent there for some moments more before he rose and made for the gate.

Michaela had stood there some time just making out what he was saying and as he approached she opened her arms and he walked straight into them. "I love ya."

"I love you too, Sully."


	15. Chapter 15

Ch 15

Holding Sully tightly Michaela gently guided him to the car and sat him down, squatting so she could gauge his emotions. She was waiting patiently and hugging him as he shuddered and let the grief go, knowing he was moving through another phase of his healing.

He clung to her not in desperation this time just feeling and knowing he was safe with her, safer than he had felt in ages.

Finely she was able to drive him home. The excited yapping at the barn door and the scratching told him he was being welcomed back by his rapidly growing companion. Another gift from the family he hoped he may become a part of one day.

As he opened the barn door, the large pup hurtled towards him and literally jumped into his arms as he bent to scoop him up.

"Ya miss me boy?" Sully said to his growing mate as he was licked all over his face. Wolf's excitement was evident with his tail whipping Sully's arm.

Michaela laughed at the picture as she watched the joyful reunion. They could not get enough of each other. She was silently thrilled at the pure genius of bringing the dog here to Sully.

Mounting the steps they entered the large combined area that made up the down stairs. As soon as the dog was on the floor he raced to Michaela and ran around her legs nearly tripping her up. Sully put his arms out and stopped her from falling.

There was immediate tension between them as they looked into one another's eyes. So absorbed were they in each other they did not see the puzzled pup sitting and watching them with his head tilted to one side. Eventually he yapped and it broke the moment. Laughing Michaela bent and picked him up.

"Spoil sport," she whispered in the dog's ear, loud enough for Sully to hear, and he then laughed.

"Ya saved me in the nick of time, my little friend," he said scratching Wolf behind the ear, adding, "Coffee?"

"Coffee is not good for dogs." Michaela chimed in as she placed the dog on the floor.

Suddenly Sully was picking her up off the floor and hugging her to himself, "I wasn' askin' him." Squealing she squirmed to be put down, but Sully's hold only tightened.

Carrying her to the wing backed seat he sat, placing her on his knees, looking at her, his eyes changing to a darker shade she had ever seen. His head bent till he softly kissed her lips. Leaning into him she returned the kiss when suddenly it all changed. Passion consumed them as they became overwhelmed.

Panting for air they stopped.

"I have made peace with my past, I have let Abbey and Hannah go. They will always be part of me, but you're different and you have helped me more than you'll ever know. Freed me from the dark prison I have been held in."

Michaela was amazed that he seemed to read her thoughts; she had wondered if his first wife would always be there between them.

She kissed him softly, holding him closer. He returned the kiss with more passion than before. Suddenly his body reacted to her, a hunger he did not think he would ever experience again. The yearning consumed him until he groaned and immediately stood, nearly dumping Michaela onto the floor.

She had felt the hardening of his body and although she knew she would want to be intimate some time she knew now was not the time, both had to heal a small amount more.

Sully was not accustomed to blushing and quietly said, "I'm sorry...I'll wait for ya to be ready...take it nice a slow... now where were we ...coffee." as he appeared to run into the kitchen.

He was so absorbed in calming his body and thoughts, he did not hear her follow him until she placed her hand on his shoulder, making him nearly jump clear to the ceiling.

"Thank you, Sully, it is alright," she said.

Sitting on the other chair she waited for him to bring the coffee. He sat down holding the hot mug between his clasped hands seeming to be unaware how hot the mug was.

Once again he seemed to be drifting off to another time and place. He began to talk as tears began again. She held his hand to let him know she was there.

"It was dark and there were no stars in the sky, from the wane moon you could just make out the trees losing their leaves in late fall. My back was leaning against a decaying mud brick wall. It was cold and we could not have a fire, because that would give us away, so I covered my legs with a blanket. The two men with me were mates, buddies, we had been through so much. We were sipping our hot coffee from hot tin mugs, making plans for the morning assault.

Robert E and CD had watched my back on many occasions. CD helped me come to terms with so many of the sad things in my life, they were true friends. I owed them so much.

There had been so many problems in the province; first there was the enemy who could have been anyone. Finally, when we had actually begun being recognised for our efforts by the leaders of the cities, civilians began bombing their own markets, schools anywhere large groups met. Nobody was safe. Lastly the worst were the soldiers we were training turning on us.

Next day we were on a routine mission walking towards the town with men we had trained. Suddenly they took cover and started firing on us, our own men. Robert E went down and while I was hauling him to safety CD took the position to cover me. Then he fell, everyone tried to stop me, I just couldn't leave one of my men out there. I dragged him to safety. Medics examined him and shook their heads. I went *ballistic and attacked the traitors who had turned on us.

I was sent home after that. I could not cope...I had lost my best friend, I failed him...the hospital did me no good, so I walked out and then you came."

Michaela knew most of this from the files. Hearing the pain, sadness and raw emotion in his voice was something she still had to come to terms with, men reliving the nightmares of the battles they fought, what they saw and felt.

It was soon going to be the time to tell him what she had discovered. She wondered what his reaction would be.

*go ballistic and go postal..._Fig._ to become irrationally enraged.

.au/dogs (youngdiggers is one word.)


End file.
